


Maybe I need you

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:50:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4856909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers is dying and Bucky is helpless to stop it. Steve promises himself that if he survives this, he'll finally say the words out loud and Bucky will never doubt how loved he truly is, ever again.</p><p>[We were the crime scenes<br/>our loves swallowed chalk for<br/>Sometimes we were the wars we didn’t believe in<br/>~Andrea Gibson]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe I need you

_You are going to die in your best friend's arms._  
_And you play along because it's funny, because it's written down, you've memorized it, it's all you know._

[Richard Siken]

New York is frigid in the Winter and all but steals your breath away the second it leaves your lungs. But it is not the exquisite snowflakes that glide through the air until they kiss the ground nor is it craters and crumbling buildings all around them that makes Bucky's heart nearly seize up in his chest and pray to every deity he has ever known for forgiveness because surely he's being punished for bad deeds from another life. It is clouded blue eyes, snow on the tip of Steve's nose and internal bleeding that makes him want to set the world on fire.

He cradles Steve in his arms as if he gets close enough it might just save his life. It isn't the first time he realizes that love is not enough.

"Steve...Steve I need you to stay awake please. We're going to go home so you have to hang in there alright? Remember when we were 11 and you had a seizure? How I screamed for your ma and I couldn't stop crying? Thought I'd lost you then but you pulled through - you always do. I need....fuck...don't go, okay?"

Bucky's tears fall like icicles onto Steve's face as he softly brushes them away.

The others have ceased their battle and are huddled together near a smoking overturned vehicle. Tony doesn't bother to hide his anguish with his suit, Natasha is clutching Clint despite the two of them being at one anothers' throats less than five minutes ago, Vision stands near Tony and observes, Sharon has her face buried in Sam's neck while Wanda watches with tears in her eyes because she has saw this future. It is one of two possible outcomes and Steve Rogers stands between them both.

The snow piles up on Bucky's leather jacket as his breaths come in white puffs against Steve's shoulder as he rocks him back and forth and sobs until his chest heaves. He repeats the same phrase as if it'll save Steve if he says it one more time: "I've just got you back, I've just got you back...please don't leave me. You can't do this to me, I can't... _fight_ it Steve. For me and I'll never ask another thing of you ever again. Don't go...." He gently brushes his lips against Steve's and whispers against them - _'I love you, I love you, I love you.'_

Steve coughs hoarsely as blood gushes from his torso - his uniform is ripped and bloody in most places and his face is smudged with dirt and blood. It's all over Bucky's hands and face as he continues to press his hand against his trembling lips and scrubs his eyes - he does not care.

"Dammit don't STAND THERE, DO _SOMETHING!,"_ he growls to no one in particular.

Until now they were allowing the two of them to have space - space to say their goodbyes and grieve.

_I will not let you give up on him. I won't go without him, never without **him**. _

Tony rushes over and Bucky resists the urge to blacken his other eye - he caused this with his agenda for worldwide peace. Bucky had saw the front lines, the casualties, the sheer hate in his enemies eyes - there would never be peace on this earth as long as humans exist. 

Steve grabs hold of Bucky's hand with every ounce of strength he has left as Tony carefully picks him off of the ground and loads him into a nearby ambulance - the only one still operating in what had been a warzone only minutes ago. 

"B-Buck?," Steve struggles and Bucky kisses him on the forehead as tears blur his vision. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere but you have to come out of this 'cause I can't do this alone. I've only just got you back."

Steve smiles weakly and tries to keep his heavy eyelids open and trained on eyes the color of an ocean but there's something wrong - they're pained. He doesn't like it when Bucky hurts.

"Shhh. Shhh, don't talk right now. We'll....we'll have time for that later, promise." He brushes aside blonde bangs that are sticking to Steve's forehead and recounts childhood memories - _Stay with me so we can make new ones._

Time does not exist for Bucky right now - a minute is equal to an hour and there's never enough. 

Tony says nothing as he deposits Steve onto the gurney and steps back -  _He is mine, not yours. He needs **me**. _

The ambulance speeds off, dodging crumbling aspalt and overturned vehicles - Bucky's hand still enclosed in Steve's as he sobs and murmurs love and how he was stupid to have waited this long to tell Steve that his heart has never belonged to another and now it might be too late.

Sirens, a fading image of the others as they comfort one another, I.V. in Steve's hand (it brings back memories of nearly losing Steve to the flu, croup, a common cold), urging him to keep his eyes open - _do this for me._

The hospital is awash with harsh lighting and an overwhelming crowd of voices that make Bucky want to scream - _Can't you see he's dying?!_

"He's going to need emergency surgery - it's a wonder he made it this long," an aging doctor with kind brown eyes and a receding hairline replies as he pushes the button for the elevator and loads Steve into it.

He's gone before Bucky can ask if he can stay with Steve - it's impossible but he has to try.

They do not allow it.

The waiting room is colored in eggshell white with salmon colored accents that match the worn down chairs - the muted television flickers and Steve's face is projected onto it with the words: "Captain America's last stand". He curls his metal hand around a scratched up television remote - hurls it against the wall so hard that it embeds itself.

pace. wait. beg. repeat.

Bucky beats himself up on the inside - _I could have saved him. I don't deserve him, I never will._

The door creaks open and the surgeon comes in with his mask pushed down under his chin and scrubs discarded. Bucky startles and rushes over to him, nearly knocking him down in the process.

"How is he? Please tell me if he's alive. I need...he needs me. Can I see him? Steven Rogers - that's his name in case you need it but why would you? He's goddamn Captain America and if it wasn't for fucking backwards laws and this whole damn world he'd be okay. I hate every last one of you," he spits out with teeth gritted and hands balled into fists - firmly at his side because he doesn't trust himself to move them.

The surgeon doesn't flinch and allows him to release his anger and worry. After a moment of silence he begins, "We ran into complications along the way but his vitals are steady and he's breathing on his own. He'll be awake in a few hours - we're going to take him to the recovery room if you'd like to follow."

Bucky's knees nearly buckle underneath of him and it's all he can do to nod.

Steve appears smaller in the hospital bed with chest carefully bandaged, I.V. in one hand with the other reaching out for Bucky. He's pale skin and the best thing Bucky has saw all day.

"Buck...," his voice is raspy and dry.

"I'm right here. Lets get some water in you," Bucky pours a cup of room temperature water and holds it to Steve's mouth as he sips - "Tiny drinks," he reminds him.

"Hurts...hurts, Buck."

Bucky drags a chair over so that he can be next to Steve and hold his hand in his own. Steve is coherent and lucid but is drifting in and out. 

"I know, sweetheart. I know."

If Steve notices the endearing term, he doesn't show it. It rolls off of Bucky's tongue as natural as discussing the weather or a new book.

"How're you feeling?," Bucky asks as he kisses the top of Steve's hand.

"I've had...better...days," Steve mutters. It comes out slow and harsh but he's trying.

Bucky laughs - Steve's wit has survived even if he barely did.

"Where's...what happened? Tony..."

Bucky's whole body tenses up - "They stayed behind. I'll tell Wanda that you're okay."

Steve takes in this new information, crinkles his forehead. "Fighting?"

He doesn't have to complete the sentence for Bucky to know what he's asking. "No one's fighting, not anymore."

Steve sags against the bed and his pillow slips down his back slightly. Bucky adjusts it and takes his seat once more - _This is where I'm needed._

"Good."

The night nurse bustles into the room with two chalky white pills and a paper cup of water. She's barely taller than Steve was prior to the serum, with sandy blonde hair and laugh lines around her mouth. Her name is Louise and she's Bucky's favorite because she doesn't treat him as if he's a nuisance.

"Can you sit up a little for me? We're gonna get some pain medication in you."

Bucky holds onto Steve's arm as she holds the other - he grimaces in pain and screws his eyes shut as tight as they'll go. He swallows the pills and carefully leans back against the bed as the nurse pats his hand - "If you need anything at all don't hesitate to ring the front desk."

"Thank you ma'am," Bucky says since Steve can barely speak.

"You're welcome," she smiles and lets herself out.

Before the medication has a chance to kick in, Steve attempts to drag Bucky to him and groans when it causes an ache.

"What is it? I can't get up there, might hurt you."

Steve sighs in resignation - when they were children the nurses would allow Bucky to sleep in his bed as long as he promised not to mess with any of the wires or buttons of various machines. He never once disobeyed and sometimes he woke up with a crick in his neck but it was worth it.

"Over here," Steve gestures for Bucky to scoot in closer.

He does.

"Closer," Steve demands.

"I get any closer I'm gonna be sitting on _you_ ," Bucky retorts.

"Listen. Need to get something off...off my chest," Steve laughs at his own joke and stares down at his torso.

"Is that what you wanted to say? 'Cause that was a bad joke, Stevie. You've never been good at them."

Steve grins at the nickname - he hadn't called him that since he'd returned.

"No that's not...not it. Listen to me Buck. I love you, idiot," Steve mumbles - his voice low and tired.

Bucky feels his pulse speed up - _I've loved you my whole life._

"Don't get all sappy on me," he lectures with his best 'I mean it' face though he has always loved the rare occasion when Steve would show his sensitive side.

"I'm going to and you're going to listen."

"Fine...fine," Bucky holds his hands up in defeat - the left one sports a thick black glove to cover the metal.

Steve carefully removes it and brushes his thumb against the knuckles - Bucky can't physically feel it but his stomach fills with butterflies.

"I'm not going to repeat myself anymore. I love _you_ Bucky Barnes, you're...my best friend."

Bucky grins - "Already knew that."

Steve gets frustrated - "No Buck. You don't get it. I'm...in love."

Bucky's smile fades - "That's good, Steve."

"YOU!" Steve exclaims and it takes the remainder of his energy to utter that one word.

Bucky's eyes widen - "Me?"

"YOU. Thought I was going to die and I knew...if I got a second chance I'd tell you."

Bucky is speechless and hasn't moved from the edge of the chair he's perching on.

"Say _something_ Buck so I don't feel like a complete jerk."

Bucky's insides are quaking, heart hammering like a drum - "I...I'm the same," he chokes out.

Steve smiles widely - pearly white teeth on parted pink lips and crystal clear blue eyes that are entirely too bright for a man who had stood at deaths door only 24hrs ago.

"Come'ere."

Bucky nearly protests but knows that if he doesn't move then Steve will - he places a hand on either side of the hospital bed and the air whooshes right out of his lungs as Steve kisses him. It's weak and his lips are dry and cracked but Bucky can hardly contain the love that blooms in his heart for Steve Rogers.

"Its been you all along," Steve whispers and dots tiny kisses on the tip of Bucky's nose and his forehead.

Bucky tears up and nods, brings Steve's hand to his mouth and kisses the palm. "I know 'cause I've felt that way since we were kids."

It's as open as he has been since coming back to himself - springing back to life for Steve Rogers because they needed one another more than anything.

"Don't try to die on me anymore okay?," Bucky's throat is dry and thick - the words are hard to spit out.

Steve laughs - "I'll try not to."

***

In time, disputes are smoothed over and old friends are no longer foes. Wanda is relieved to know that the future she was hoping for was the one that happened. Tony makes penitence for nearly costing Steve his life and they decide that together is better than nothing at all. It takes time but Bucky forgives him.

For Bucky, the world is brighter because Steve Rogers is in it and for once in his life he can rightfully say _Steve is mine and I am his. Life is worth living._

**Author's Note:**

> credit for this fic idea goes to http://mocking-morse.tumblr.com/post/102726944576/what-if-in-civil-war-steve-dies-in-buckys-arms
> 
> title is from another Andrea Gibson poem by that name. shes incredible.


End file.
